The first of everything is the worst when you are deep in grief; the first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month and the first year. Christopher was killed on a Thursday morning (March 21, 1996) and I dreaded Thursday mornings for a long time. The reality that you are a parent of a murdered child is a very hard first. It is even hard to say “My son was murdered.” People are very curious by nature and want to know what happened. Most of the time I was prepared to speak with them about Christopher’s murder, but occasionally, it was not the right time or place. I would just say,” I am happy to share with you but this is not the time. We need to be here for the reason we came.”
Another very hard first was going through Christopher’s things. Some were in storage here at home and the rest came from the apartment he shared with his murderer. I felt it was very important to give things of his to his friends. I imagined it would help with their grief. I know it made me feel better. This was a first for them too……..a young friend murdered. I kept his favorite pair of green shorts, which he practically lived in, and his favorite lime-green blanket. Some of what I have from his life have become treasures: his baby teeth and hair from his first haircut. Anything with his handwriting is very dear, as are art projects from school.
April Fool’s Day came right after Christopher was murdered and I found myself wishing with every part of my being that this had been a “joke.” Just have him walk in the door….please!
I had a difficult time coming to grips with the fact that the rest of the world was turning as usual; people drove to work and shopped for dinner while our world was turned upside down. Would life ever be normal again? What was normal? This was the first time I ever questioned “normal.”
The first time I went into my local grocery store to buy food I was so proud I was doing something “normal.” I remember thinking; don’t all you people know how much pain I am in? I realized, of course not, they did not have a clue. Looking back I am happy they could not feel what I was feeling. You would not wish anyone the pain and trauma of losing a child.
The first time I went to get my nails done, a few days after Christopher was murdered, my nail person looked at me in shock and said “Why are you here?” I replied, “Because I want to do something normal.”
Then his first “birthday” (May 15) without Christopher, which is still the hardest day of the year for me. I birthed him and my mothering is such a huge part of who I am; losing him was and is extremely difficult. It was also very difficult for his sister, Christina, and any time she was in pain, it was more difficult for me. As a parent, I wanted to kiss her, put a bandage on her “owie” and have everything be better. But this time, nothing would have worked ‑ not for this kind of trauma.
Christopher’s birthday is followed by Mother’s Day, which adds to the birthday sadness already there. All celebration firsts without your loved one are painful. In the beginning you are so raw with grief; even small everyday things are hard to do. I remember the first time I laughed. I was so shocked. I think someone told a joke. It was as if a light had come on – I just laughed! For me it was a small forward step in the grief process. But going to any kind of celebration was very hard; even with family. Several months after Christopher was murdered we celebrated our grandson’s birthday. It was hard to join in the festivities without thinking that Christopher would never have any more. But, after embracing the sadness (feeling sorry for myself was never comfortable), I knew it was important to celebrate the life in front of me. Constantly reminding myself of how important it is to “be here now” helped me stay present in the joy around me. I also KNEW Christopher didn’t want me down here miserable and certainly would want me to embrace the joy.
The first time I went to a large gathering was a significant reminder of how my life had been altered. I am the kind of person who can cross a ballroom filled with people and talk to most of them. I love people. If I don’t know them, it is not a problem. I just start talking and making friends. This time was different. My protective shield had been breached and I needed someone I knew to be with me. I felt so vulnerable and so exposed. I was not my carefree self. It took awhile for that part of me to come back. It has and I am grateful.
This was the first time in my life I was not taking care of everyone else. I was the doer in our family and the glue that bound us together. But now, I felt the need to give the tragedy of Christopher’s murder my full focus and energy. I arranged grounding things for myself, regular massages and short visits with close friends. It was a time I needed to be kind to myself and not feel selfish for doing what I needed to do to get through another day. I learned that the shower and the treadmill were great places to cry. I realized I had permission to cry anywhere at any time for the rest of my life. You need to get good at listening to yourself. Know what your limits are and what you need to get through things. For awhile I always traveled with someone close to me. If that was not possible, I didn’t go.
Visiting my son Christopher’s resting place was also a very hard first for me. It seems so unreal to have to visit your son on top of a mountain; under a tree. To this day, it is still painful. It is a very real reminder of his being taken from us in such a violent way.
The first anniversary of Christopher’s death was particularly difficult. It was another marker in the tragedy of his death. Yet, another reminder he would never come home from school. Fortunately time passes quickly and eventually becomes a very gentle and welcome healer. The first year I did not want to go to sleep on the 364th day. I did not want to face the reality that it had been a whole year without Christopher. Now, the years roll along – each one different but a bit kinder to us all.
Tuesday’s are my day’s that are hardest for me; tomorrow to me is the 1st anniversary, but to date, Wednesday will be the 1st anniversary. My son took his own life last year by hanging himself off of our back deck. I was the one to find him. The holiday’s have been very difficult for me since Thanksgiving. I did manage to decorate for Christmas and I put out all of Dannie’s Nutcrackers he collected. Here it is February 2nd and I have yet to finish putting away the Nutcrackers and the rest of my Christmas decorations. I’m in the “I don’t care” phase and it is finally setting in that Dannie is not coming home. You see from July until Jan 29th last year Dannie was in jail for violation of his probation (got caught drinking a driving). Not even a week had passed when he took his own life. His girlfriend had told him she was done with him until he could quit drinking and stay out of trouble. One of his friends said that Dannie had told him of getting a “kite” while in jail (a message) stating that they knew when he was getting out of jail, they wanted what he took from them and they were watching him and his family. I feel something happened while in jail and not having his girlfriend (who he had planned on proposing to on 4th of July but didn’t since he got arrested on July 2nd) that he took his own life.
Being that tomorrow and the 4th of Feb to me are both the anniversary of his death…I’m finally getting it that he’s not coming home. He was my only child so I have the thoughts of not seeing him get married, having grandchildren, I just feel robbed of what a mother should experience with her child! I’ve been in denial all this time and everything is rushing at me that I feel like I’m alone and falling in a deep pit with no way out!
With this realization, I am finally seeking counsel because I’m at a breaking point. Does it ever get better??