How Could It Be?

How could it be 15 years?  I find myself thinking, “This is unbelievable!”  How could time tick by so fast?  I feel deeply so many moments without Christopher.  I miss him most when I am happiest – seeing a wonderful play, spending time in Hawaii with the family, birthdays, weddings.  I want him to share the joy. Yet here it is: March 21st, 2011 – fifteen years without my darling son.  In the beginning, I felt the drawn-out days, so very painful and real.  Now they are happy, no less real, just easier to live.

I feel tricked.  How could it be 15 years?

Since the day my life was shattered by violence

Since the day our family lost a son, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle

Since the day my daughter lost her brother

Since the day I would no longer see his smile

Since the pain flowed from my eyes and blinded me

Since my protective shield was shattered

Since the day I didn’t know if I could ever be happy again?

I would not change anything in my life if given the chance; except to bring my son home.  I know that is not possible, so I have spent the last fifteen years working on having the best life possible.  I feel fortunate, I feel loved; I feel like my actions on earth every day make a difference.

Maybe I wasn’t tricked but opened up to more life than I thought possible.