Hard to Believe —18 Years

I find it hard to believe that Christopher’s death was almost 18 years ago (March 21, 1996).  I sit here writing this and feeling very grateful for the happiness and peace I feel today.  I never thought I would be here.  The 364^th day of the first year, I didn’t want to go to sleep.  I couldn’t believe I had been alive a year without Christopher.  Now, as 18 years have gone by, I am grateful for the gentle passing of time.  Time has allowed me to embrace life again.

It brings tears to my eyes that I am living through every parent’s worst nightmare and sitting here writing about a happy life.  18 years ago, it would have been impossible for me to write this.  I was a puddle on the floor and I had no idea how I would make it to the next second…and certainly could not even consider my future without my son, Christopher.

I look at the world with different lenses because of my experiences.  Christopher’s murder was a huge part of that. We are all an accumulation of what we learn along our journey.  And how we use that experience and knowledge in our everyday lives is a choice.  My choice has been to listen more, be kind in every second of the day, treasure my family and friends, and be grateful for even the smallest wonders.  I extend myself to care for as much as I can around me.  Some days I feel the whole world weight on my shoulders, but I carry it with as much grace as I can. 

I have been working with individuals and families since Christopher was murdered.  Being able to help people is a blessing. I feel obligated (in the nicest sense) to help people through what I have also experienced.  I can be a gentle guide through an extremely difficult time. 

My book, “Griefprints – A Practical Guide for Supporting a Grieving Person” https://griefprints.com/griefprints-book/ has also been an extension of my work.  It is my calling card, and many people have found it helpful.  “Griefprints” sales have raised money for a great organization that I have been involved with since Christopher was murdered, The Compassionate Friends. https://www.compassionatefriends.org  I have also used it to raise money for others, such as the Tim Griffith Foundation http://timgriffithfoundation.org/ and Hospice of Eastern Idaho www.hospiceofeasternidaho.com 

A HUGE thank you goes out to all my family and friends who have been along the journey with me.  You all know who you are — and I am deeply grateful for your love and support.  I cannot imagine how I would feel today without the stabilizing love around me.  Thank you!