How could it be 15 years? I find myself thinking, “This is unbelievable!” How could time tick by so fast? I feel deeply so many moments without Christopher. I miss him most when I am happiest—seeing a wonderful play, spending time in Hawaii with the family, birthdays, weddings. I want him to share the joy. Yet here it is: March 21st, 2011 – fifteen years without my darling son. In the beginning, I felt the drawn-out days, so very painful and real. Now they are happy, no less real, just easier to live.
I feel tricked. How could it be 15 years?
Since the day my life was shattered by violence
Since the day our family lost a son, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle
Since the day my daughter lost her brother
Since the day I would no longer see his smile
Since the pain flowed from my eyes and blinded me
Since my protective shield was shattered
Since the day I didn’t know if I could ever be happy again?
I would not change anything in my life if given the chance; except to bring my son home. I know that is not possible, so I have spent the last fifteen years working on having the best life possible. I feel fortunate, I feel loved; I feel like my actions on earth every day make a difference.
Maybe I wasn’t tricked but opened up to more life than I thought possible.